10. When a 25-year-old guy is lusting after a 16-year-old, it’s creepy. If he’s a 100-year-old vampire, bring it.
9. That ginger guy with the blank stare in my gym class may not be the gangly geek I think he is.
8. The more aloof and friendless I am, the more likely I am to attract the hot, mysterious guy from school.
7. If the guys I like have names like Peeta and Gale, I am trapped in a crappy future. Time to get my game face on.
6. If he sparkles in sunlight, do not assume it is an art project gone awry. Run.
5. If I am destined for/matched with/in an arranged marriage to a guy, I will not love him. I will fall in love with the other guy.
4. If I never see my mysterious boyfriend eat yet he sucks down vials of red liquid, don’t despair. He may not be a vampire. He may just be immortal.
3. If the fact that two hot brothers are into me seems too good to be true, it is. They are vampires.
2. When the guy I like has yellow eyes and prefers milkbones to milk, get a clue. He’s a werewolf.
1. Get thee to a love triangle. No adolescence is apparently complete without two males competing for my love. If I can’t rustle up an Edward and Jacob, improvise with my best friend’s pasty grandfather and my neighbor’s dog.